Today, a new crisis has arisen. The Dining Hall Managers, better known as the DHM, are threatening student nutrition in the form of the generification of breakfast foods. The DHM have replaced Harvard's (and America's) traditional favorites with cheap, crummy, soggy, sloppy, ill-tasting, generic brands such as: Tootie Fruities for Fruit Loops and Colossal Crunch for Cap'n Crunch.
[N.B. This is a political statement and the disparagement of worthy and splendid generic breakfast foods is allowed, as part of free speech, even under the McCain-Feingold Act.]
Citizens, hear me out! This could happen to you!
[Sung:] Well let me tell you the story of some Lowell diners,
On a tragic and fateful day,
They thought they had Fruit Loops, but it tasted like garbage,
They immediately ran away.
[Chorus 1]
But did they ever return?
No, they never returned,
And their fate is still unlearned.
[Bass sings: "Poor old Harvard"]
The best and the brightest are exiting Harvard,
They’re the group that never returned.
The best and the brightest who are reading the Globe,
Are preparing to go elsewhere.
They're applying to Fram’nham, Dartmouth, or Columbia,
Where dining hall managers care.
[Repeat chorus 1]
Now you citizens of Harvard, don't you think it's a scandal?
How the students have to pay and pay,
For some stinking soggy mush, in the place of Krispies
Get those Fruit Loops back on the tray.
[Chorus 2:]
Or else they'll never return,
No, they'll never return,
And their fate will remain unlearned.
[Bass sings: "Poor old Harvard"]
The best and the brightest have exited Harvard,
Get those Fruit Loops back on the tray.
Remember the story of that great Tea Party,
When the heroes, of old, got their way,
Impound those generics! Dress up as -- whatever!
Dump that soggy mush into the bay!
[Repeat chorus 2, repeating last line twice.]
My apologies to the Kingston Trio and all others concerned with that great song, MTA.
Some Crimson links: Love It/Hate It: Generic Cereal and Lowell Dining Hall Vandalized, subtitled: "Intruders cause $1,000 in damage to door, spill cereal across floor".
The Boston Globe's excellent and detailed story is linked and summarized in the excellent WSJ Opinion Journal article, Best of the Web Today (bottom of page, registration required). (Globe articles are not free after the first two days.)
Personal message: For the Mother of Brilliants.
(Expanded and modified, 1:40 pm est, despite the lack of popular demand.)
This just in, 1:45 pm Mar. 30, from World Net Daily Page 2 links:
Harvard students most unhappy / Student satisfaction ranks near bottom of group of 31 elite colleges --Boston GlobeFruit Loop deprivation has its downside.
